When we were young
When I was younger my mom put these sticker things of a whale and bubbles on the bottom of the shower so I wouldn’t fall. Now all that’s left is one bubble and the end of a whales tale, you can kind of see its outline but it’s all gone. They were their so I wouldn’t slip. But I don’t remember ever almost slipping in the shower when I was a kid, maybe it was because they were there to step on but I think really I didn’t fall because I was acutely aware of what I was doing, I was fully conscience, and not in the way I am now, questioning every little thing that happens, I was just conscience in a lively way. I find myself slipping in the shower. I find myself closing my eyes and sometimes I think I’m sleeping again until I remember I’m standing in the shower, that it’s the morning and I need to get ready and there is a drought and I need to turn the water off. The drain doesn’t work and the bath fills up and I’m standing there trying to step on the one bubble so I don’t break my head open but it’s ineffective, it’s too small and too worn down. I wish my mom had put the whales and the bubbles on the bottom of the shower now so I wouldn’t have to worry about falling. It’s weird, frequently when I’m in the shower I imagine what would happen if I fell, hit my head, and got knocked out. I imagine how the water would still be running on me and I wonder how long it would take for someone to find out, then I imagine and question, “what if I locked the door?”, they would have to knock the door down. It really is a stupid thing to think about, kind of like when people think of their own funeral, it’s self indulgent really. I do wish the whales were still on the ground though. It was nice seeming them there. I don’t know why there are things that are around when we are children, but then slowly as we grow up they get taken away somewhere. Where do they go? All the goody-bags from birthday parties, and coloring books, and yo-yos from Easter baskets? Do they all really get thrown away? Are they sitting in a land fill next to a flat tire from a beat up car? As children we have nap time and we hate it and we get up while the teacher is away and we whisper to our friends, we despise doing what we are told. But is it that or do we really not want to sleep? I think it’s both. Who as a child wants to sleep on the floor when they could be playing with play dough or going on the swings or drinking apple juice? Not me. But now I wish I had nap time! I don’t know how many times a day I hear someone say “I’m so tired”, or “oh it’s nothing I’m just tired”, because who would rather be reading articles about the sad, sad past or analyzing imaginary numbers or dissecting frozen murdered frogs then sleeping? Not me. When I was a kid my mom used to talk to the other moms and they would be friends and they would talk about us like we were the best people in the world, as if writing our name and counting to ten and painting a pictures of roses were the biggest accomplishments the world has had. And they were the biggest achievements to them. And our moms would call each other and say “hey, your daughter and my daughter should play together sometime”, and so we would meet them at the park. And me and her daughter became best friends but then we got older and all she wanted to do was kiss this boy behind a storage unit and she asked me to kiss him too and I said no and tried to hulla hoop instead. I still remember that day, I don’t think she does though. But I wish my mom would would schedule play dates for me now. I mean, I guess I don’t really because if she did I would probably get mad and not want to go. But it’s just that I can’t make friends the way she would talk to the other moms. Maybe it’s just not mutual. Maybe back then they both had us in common, and they both thought we were a gift to humanity and they both rooted for us. I think some parents root too hard for their kids now. Maybe they think they are still rooting for us, really they are destroying us. I guess I’m lucky my parents understand my disinterest in academics, I still try I guess, I dont want them to feel too bad, and I guess I have learned from a young age that failure feels bad. I think I just don’t want to fail in school because I don’t want them too think it’s that that hard for me, them meaning the school board and all, I don’t want them to win, I suppose I don’t feel they’re on my side, so I do my assignments. But I guess a lot if people aren’t lucky at all when it come to parents. It’s sad that now your achievements aren’t good enough. To you or to them. I don’t even know what you consider an achievement. I wonder if you were to show them that picture of us when we were young out in the grass, I wonder if that would change their minds, and you could be a bit more wild. Not wild like crazy. Wild like free. I really do hope your going to be okay. I wish you would tell them no for once. I wish you would tell everyone no for once. When I was a kid my mom used to walk me into my bedroom every night, and if she didn’t it would make me very sad and I would probably pout about it and cry until she came in. And as you can guess she doesn’t walk me in anymore. It’s not that I actually want her too. It’s just that I used to share a room and now I’m all alone. It’s been this way for years now but still at night sometimes it’s kinda weird and I have to try to fall asleep fast so I don’t have to think about it. All these things I realize are things that end when you grow up, and that if my mom were to continue to do these things for me then I probably would end up on dr. Phil, it’s just that it seems like when you are a kid you have these things and you don’t realize it. You don’t realize it’s your mom who makes your doctors appointment or orders your food or introduces you to people. Maybe some of that’s just social anxiety problems but it seems like as a kid you are so much stronger. I mean I was a shy kid but even I back then was better at making friends then now. And all these students who fear their grades and all these parents who root for their fears instead of them, we need a nap time now, we need a field trip now, three recesses and three minutes to hear what all the other kids did over there weekend. Because maybe when I hear someone say “oh it’s nothing, I’m just tired”, yea they probably are tired from lack of sleep, but they are probably also tired from lack of needed whales on the bottom of their shower, they’re probably swimming around somewhere, maybe the sewer led to the ocean.